As much as I wanted yesterday to be a solitary event.... A rare anomaly that occurs after too much Christmas, too much attention and presents and eating garbage...it just wasn't.
Today was much of the same-- hitting, kicking, biting, yelling in my face. Yesterday, when she put all of her fingers in a tight row and scratched them down my eye I could have punted her into the hall to wander alone until Daddy got home. After a handful of 'highs' and numerous (too many to count even) 'lows'-- after I strapped her in her carseat while she was screaming 'more toyssssss MAMAAAAA more toysssss' (I am apparently am a bad Mother for taking her home after 20 mins of playing in the frigid outdoors- it was 39 freaking degrees and she told me she was cold!) and then to really top it off she tried to slam the car door on my arm. A real highlight. I strapped her in, shut the door and walked to the drivers side and then I just stood outside of the car, sucked in the frigid Winter air, took a couple deep breaths and tried to really dig deep to get through this time.
Admittedly it freaking sucks. I hate these phases that turn her into a wild, violent, destructive...just MEAN terrorist. Someone I just plain don't like to spend my day with.
I know it's temporary, I know my smart, sweet, wonderfully charming little girl is in there somewhere but these last two days have been such a struggle I have literally counted the hours until bedtime, willed my patience to last until the very last moment and reminded myself it's really frowned upon to have a drink before her bedtime (and yet, somedays that just can't be helped).
So tonight- as I'm trying to clear the mush from my brain and put myself back together to have a decent evening with my Husband who I'm convinced thinks Isla is destroying his sane wife (ha!), I'm going to focus on the fact that I have one more day to get through until we have another holiday and I have help with her - all day. I'm going to concentrate on relaxing my mind. My thoughts. My anger. My frustration. I'm going to forgive myself for 'getting to 3' too quickly, for snapping at her when my frustration was high (so high!), for not doing more for her (because, doesn't every Mom think they have a solution somewhere and they could always do more?! I know this is delusional but half the time I spend just searching for what else I can do to make it better for both of us. I wish it was that easy).
I'm just going to hope this is short and temporary and I'm going to remember that all days can't be perfect. Sometimes real life just has to be REAL...and lately it's feeling very, very real.
In the words of my dear friend who responded to that desperate text.
"solidarity"
No comments:
Post a Comment