Today

Hi Friends!

Isla's a total destructive tornado today. I have no idea what got into her- it's like she woke up at 3am (oh wait, she did do that!) and said, "yes, I'm 13 months old today, time to destroy and conquer."

This morning after I had cleaned up at least 457 messes I locked her in the bathroom with me so I could get ready and she could ransack my bathroom drawers. At one point I looked down from blow drying my hair to see her bent half way over IN the drawer tossing things over her head. I was literally dodging flying faux-gold bangles and bottles of lotion. The days of relaxing as I get ready in the morning are most definitely over. I was day dreaming about when she was a baby and would sit in her bunny-chair outside the shower curtain. I'd peak out every now and then to see her sleeping or playing with a toy. Oh, I miss those days.

In fact...I'm convinced I'm in another round of 'postpartum longing' (I hesitate to call it 'depression' because that's definitely not what it is--this is more of a 'reminiscent longing').

Since Isla's turned the big 'one' we've gotten more and more questions about when the 'next one' is coming. We are 'Planners' and have had the discussion ourselves but a definite timeline has not yet been established. I go over scenarios in my head and then keep coming back to one fact....and I've been wondering today if this is something that all parents go through or just something I'm dealing with at the moment.

I miss my baby....but not the abstract 'baby' I missed before Isla was born or conceived...

I miss Isla as a baby.

 I am so reminiscent of her little baby face, the way she crossed her feet anytime she was being held or eating in her chair.... how she was the very first thing I saw in the morning when she was sleeping next to me in her co-sleeper.... the way she would sleep on my chest or snuggle up to me late at night. (That's one seriously long run on sentence but that's kind of how my brain has been processing this).

 For some reason, I'm having a hard time connecting the 'tiny baby Isla' with the Isla I'm with every day. I know this is in large part because she has started looking older--she has a mouthful of teeth and cruises everywhere (she almost ran over the weekend!). She gabs gibberish to herself, laughs hysterically at her own antics and plays independently. The 'big girl Isla' is super-fun (she literally makes me laugh a million times a day), super busy (I'm exhausted!) and super challenging (she definitely loves to test boundaries and explore!) I hope I don't sound crazy here...but for so long when I rocked her to sleep or held her to my chest I literally felt connected to her.....like our hearts were one. Over the past couple months I've lost that feeling and I'm not sure if it was the passing of nursing (she only requests nursing 3 times a day now) or because she's become more independent but I really didn't expect that feeling to go away as she grew. It is definitely one of the things I miss the very most.

I know all of these things are 'normal'--Isla's development is completely normal, my feelings about missing my baby are completely normal, even the fact that I don't know why I'm posting about this or how to wrap it up is well, completely normal (and so typical for me, right?! :)

I guess this is one of the ways I will know when we are 'ready' to give Isla a sibling...when the baby I imagine is no longer Isla as a baby (literally, Isla's twin self :) but becomes the 'abstract baby'. When I start to consider who that child will look like and what we will consider for names. I am excited for that day to come--but for now, I think I'll allow myself to miss my little baby I had the sweet fortune to spend the last year with.

And beyond that....I don't quite know what else to say about this. I guess, to beautiful memories and all that lies ahead (she looks like she knows where she's headed :)

xoxo. 

S