I've been working on this post this week but I can't seem to get it quite right....rather than pick apart/rewrite my words anymore than I already have....I thought it was more important to get it up and hear from you.....
Yesterday a friend posted on Facebook that her 13 year old Daughter was being taunted in school by the other girls because she ate at lunch.
That's right ... because she ATE at lunch.
One of the girls told her she never ate in front of her boyfriend because boys should never see you eat. After I read this post my chest tightened and heart pounded. I longed to hug Isla tightly and smother all of the unfair pressures society puts on young girls. After I was able to compartmentalize this one scenario and put my plans aside to homeschool Isla (who am I kidding?!), I faced my own memories of the path I took to finding healthy self worth.
Growing up most of the women who surrounded me carried their own issues with weight. I remember being a young teenager and knowing the 'in-and-outs' of Jenny Craig, NutriSystem and Weight Watchers. I went to a TOPS meeting by the time I was 10. I understood the power of that number on the scale and how it made you view yourself. I never saw a man in my childhood life struggle with weight in this same way. For me, being a teenager was filled with reading Cosmo's version of what men want in women, chasing the ever illusive 'model-square', keeping weight loss journals (yes, plural), planning to order breast enhancing miracle pills, etc, etc (i.e.: the list goes on and on). I still believe I was one of the more healthy ones. I had my insecurities and I still do in some ways but I never really hated anything about myself.
I know some of you are saying, 'well you've never had a weight issue so you can't relate' ....but I really can. Isn't that apparent from the items above?... and so telling about our culture! I am a perfectly healthy woman--'thin' by society's standards and I STILL struggled with what I believed I 'should look like.' And that is the stuff that terrifies me about raising a Daughter in this perfect storm of image issues. I want Isla to grow knowing that she is beautiful and perfect, just as she is ...no matter what that number on the scale reads...no matter how much it goes up and down. As long as she is healthy and loves herself- she is beautiful. I want Isla to see beauty in others no matter what size they are. I want her to see compassion, kindness and love as the ingredients to beauty.
In the process of rationalizing all of this, deep down I know that as much as I want to hide Isla away I know that exposure is the best way to find empowerment.....and that wrenches at my heart.
She will explore beauty magazines, obsess about hair/makeup and if her butt looks too big. She will mull over Cosmo (and I'm sure it will scare the crap out of me) and she will even pick her image apart. I think no matter how comfortable you are there is a time in your life where this phase has its place. What I'm trying to focus on is the job I have as her Mom and as a 'Woman' role model in her life to guide her out of this phase with the COURAGE to find her own healthy self worth and to believe in her beauty--no matter how it looks to the world.
I'm encouraging everyone (including myself!) to teach our Littles (especially our girls) to love themselves no matter what they look like, love other people no matter what they look like and do that by loving YOURSELF no matter what you look like.
Educate them.
Educate yourself if you don't know how to do this---it's so powerful to admit that you have 'baggage'. I still catch myself doing things I hope that Isla doesn't pick up on. I caught myself putting my hand over my face the other day when I cried during a commercial (I know....a commercial! :) I don't know why I do this other than to hide emotion or vulnerability but it reminded me of how powerful my responses are when Isla's watching. I want to break the cycle.
I want to be BRAVE enough to break the cycle.
More than anything... I wish for Isla to find her worth in the brilliance of her smile, the sound of her laugh, the fire of her spirit, the tenderness of her heart. These are the things we so adore in her. In the words of Lupita Nyong'o, I wish for all young girls out there and women alike '....that you will feel the validation of your external beauty but also get to the deeper business of feeling beautiful inside.'
Be brave.
-You can view her words here.
PS- My Friend received a comment to share this book with her teen : Queen Bees and Wannabees. Is anyone familiar with it?
Also! If you haven't read this letter from a Dad to his Daughter you really should. It's all over the internet--but VERY much worth the read: Find it Here.
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