Breastfeeding: In all its glory.

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed- my brain's all over the place tonight but I thought it was still important to do this post. I started this a while ago and decided to finish it..... :)

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Oh breastfeeding, you crazy-crazy character you.

Breastfeeding was the one thing I underestimated. I had this vision in my head that after I had the baby she'd be placed on my chest and within the first hour she'd want to eat and would breastfeed easily. That was not my reality. Isla didn't have an easy time of it and I fumbled in panic that something was wrong. It didn't help anything that every Nurse who came in my hospital room tried to fix Isla's issues (which weren't even issues looking back) a different way. I was so frustrated by the time I left the hospital. Within 48 hours my nips wanted to fall off and I had called the baby a 'jerk' (except that was the PC version, I'll let your mind fill in the blanks)....when your nips hurt that bad you lose your verbal filter. By day 3, Isla was starving and my milk had still not come in. I ended up supplementing with formula which thankfully filled her up but also made her little tummy upset and caused lots and lots of spit up and crying fits. By day 5 my milk was finally starting to come in. I was still fumbling and stressed out. I felt like she wasn't eating enough and she didn't have a schedule.

Bottom Line: I wasn't comfortable.  I was reeling. I needed a confidence boost.

Thankfully Swedish has an amazing lactation service. I made an appointment and showed up looking like a hot mess. The baby was wailing, I was wearing 2nd day maternity clothes and I had milk spit up in my hair. The Lactation Consultant, Emily was so kind. She was straight and to the point- just how I roll. She got a full background story, weighed Isla, watched me feed her, made small adjustments and then weighed her again .... come to find out she was getting 2 ounces on one side- yay Isla! She told me what I needed to hear---

'I was doing the right thing and I should keep doing what I was doing, my baby was doing well'.

phew.

I went home and continued...even though I struggled I stuck with it. I remember looking at L during one of our mom dates and saying,

"Lace, I just hate it. I expected to love it but I hate it."

FINALLY, I said it. I said it outloud. pure relief. After having a natural labor and trying to do all the "right" things I felt the pressure to just fall in love with breastfeeding and it wasn't coming easy. L looked at me in the way good friends do and said...

"yes, your nips want to fall off and it hurts like a b*tch but they toughen up and believe me, you will love it."

I sighed deeply and hoped...for the love of god ...I hoped she was right. I even told Isla's Pediatrician during the first visit,

"I went through natural labor and I can barely handle breast feeding. I would rather go through natural labor AGAIN than breastfeed. HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?" (picture a crazy, sleep deprived, first time mom with orange poo on her sweater ranting like this!...that was me)

Thankfully she laughed, encouraged and gave me the number for lactation services. Within 3 days of admitting to L that I hated breastfeeding I got into my groove. Isla and I finally had a bit of a routine and I was able to relax. A big part of my struggle was getting out of my own head. I had put so much pressure on myself to have it feel "natural" that when it came down to it, it felt like the most foreign thing in the world. For being a fairly easy-going mommy it was the one thing I constantly stressed about.

When Isla was two months she went through a time when she would pull and arch her back. I went back to Emily who hosts an open breastfeeding group at Swedish. The group is held in a large room and all mom's and babies are welcome. There's no pressure to feed your baby but most mom's weigh their baby on the way in, feed them and then weigh them again to see how much they're getting. The group was really helpful and helped me once again realize that it was just growing pains of Isla and I learning to work together. I just needed to trust that I was doing the right thing.

During the session one of the Mom's was holding her tiny newborn Daughter in front of her, staring at her. Emily asked if she planned on trying to feed her. The Mom nodded yes and Emily asked when she'd like to start and if she had any questions. The Mom looked up at the rest of us....a group of breastfeeding moms..... supporting peers and said...

 "I'm scared of her."

If there was any unfamiliar tension in the room it instantly lifted. We all rolled in laughter, nodded, laughed some more.

This strong, competent woman was scared of her tiny newborn Daughter drenched in a pink blanket and headband. It was a crack up and it reminded me of my own familiar struggle. It's so important for Mamas to know that it's not always easy and we need the support of each other to get through the hard stuff.

Regardless of my own breastfeeding challenges,  I still 100% believe it's the healthiest choice for Isla and for myself in post-partum. The benefits are irrefutable and it has helped build such an incredible bond between us. Our road may not have been flawless but I'm so glad I can look back and be proud that I stuck with it and that it worked for us. It's really a wonderful thing.