Becoming.

Yesterday was a hard day. We heard sad news from two friends who are both hurting. I sent as much love and warm healing thoughts to them as I could and then I honored their loss and pain by doing the only thing that felt right..... loving my sweet baby and being more "present" in our moments together. In doing this I was reminded of a post I did after Isla was born. It felt right to repost it here.

 Hug your babies tight and breathe in gratitude. We are all so very fortunate.

xo- S

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I know most people believe you become a Mother the day your little one is born, although I'm sure most women would state it's the first time you see more of your employer's bathroom than you'd like due to a little thing called morning.sickness (blughh!).

In looking back over our journey to parenthood through fertility, pregnancy and now as parents much of it was surreal to me. I'm not sure if it was because B and I waited so long (almost 13 years) to start a family or if it was because we really weighed the decision throughout our years together. We always knew we wanted a family but the question of timing was always on the table. The funny thing was there was never a big defining moment when the answer was written out for us. It was more like.. "yah, lets do this" and we took the leap. When it came to being pregnant, I'm most definitely the annoying girl that other mamas who struggled through pregnancy hate because I LOVED being pregnant. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I actually miss it. In fact, the day after delivering Isla I still felt her familiar kicking on my right side ribs. I have since learned this is called "phantom kicks" and is a real thing. good to know I'm not crazy. When the Dr. said "It's a girl" Brandon and I were both shocked. We thought we were having a boy- for no other reason than we took a guess like everyone else. It was the most incredible surprise we've ever had and a moment I will forever cherish. After delivering Isla and getting to know our sweet girl I still felt much of this was surreal. This is challenging to explain because I knew she was our Daughter, I knew I was her Mother and I felt the bliss in our moments with great joy but I knew there was still something missing.

Today I tried to take Isla's newborn pictures. I apparently have the most alert newborn because her eyes have literally been open and scanning the world since she was born (either that or someone inherited her Daddy's ADD- god help us!) I was trying to get just a couple sleepy newborn shots. I fed her and rocked her and when she finally snoozed off I put her in her bunny chair with music and the magic vibrating seat which is usually a surefire way to induce sleep. When I was ready I pulled her out and she screamed.....this was not her normal newborn cry....this was a shiver-worthy scream. I checked her diaper, her temp, her food cues...even reworked her swaddle....nothing worked. On the verge of tears myself I did the only thing I could think of..... I settled into our rocker, held my sweet baby to my chest so her little ear could hear my heartbeat and we rocked.

 Skin-to-skin....heart to heart.

She fussed for a second and finally to my relief settled in and closed her eyes. As I admired the beautiful little person B&I created ... I  looked out the window at the rainy Seattle twilight and realized this was the moment I became her mommy. I realized my girl knew no one in the way she knew me---the way my heart beat from the inside, the sound of my voice and heat of my skin. We are forever bonded in that way.

 Today was my defining moment. The one I needed to know that not only did delivering Isla to the world make me a Mother but trusting my instincts and listening to my heart made me her Mommy.